


The Reason

by Skamzombie



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Crush, Even's POV, Falling In Love, Fluff, Love at First Sight, M/M, Mental Illness, Slow Burn, Teen Romance, just a fluff fest
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-16
Updated: 2017-02-08
Packaged: 2018-09-17 21:23:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9346280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skamzombie/pseuds/Skamzombie
Summary: As I pulled it up off the ground, my eyes also lifted from the gravelled path, to a group of boys, laughing about something I could only imagine.I don’t know why I stopped to look at them but I did.I don’t know how long I looked at them for but it was long enough.Long enough to see him.******We all felt and experienced it all as Isak Valtersen fell madly in love with Even Bech Næsheim, but now it is time to experience what it is like to fall in love with Isak through Even's eyes.





	1. First day of school - First sighting

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first attempt at an evak fic, and the reason it has taken me so long is because I was scared I would ruin Even’s precious character. I have so much more I would like to write but please let me know if you think I am not capturing the characters well, or if you somehow like it and want more? Feedback is appreciated and needed haha. Anyways I really hope you enjoy this <3

I rocked back and forth on the balls of my feet as I gazed up at the building of Hartvig Nissen School. I shifted the straps of my backpack on my shoulder for the fifteenth time that morning and pushed my tongue against my cheek. My not so subtle nervous tick. But I wasn’t nervous.

I was terrified.

I was frustrated.

Annoyed

“This will be good for you” she said “this will be good for us. I’m proud of you” Proud. Of me.

I still don’t know what she has to be proud of. I’ve done nothing but ruin everything around me. I run through everyone’s life and chaotically rip up all that is stable and safe apart until all we are left with is the reminiscence of what we once were. I destroy it all. Fuck it all up.

All but her.

I still have her. And Christ what would I do without her? Without Sonja to tell me when I’m on the edge again. To help pull me back before I throw another piece of my fragile life away into the midst of uncertainty and fear. She tells me when something I’m thinking is real and when it’s not. She reminds me of who I’m supposed to be when I am lost inside my mind and the world around me. The world that confuses and scares me into remaining inside the loneliness of my mind. Sonja brings me out and tells me what to think instead. What to feel instead.

And it helps.

For a little while.

And then it comes back, harder, darker and lonelier than before and I can’t avoid it.

Can’t escape it.

But I don’t tell her this. She wants us to be okay. She wants me to be normal, and so I let her think I am.

And mostly I mean I am. The medication helps but it doesn’t make it go away. This feeling that I am lost.

Really lost.

Sonja knows who I am. And usually she is right but… What if this time she isn’t? Because I don’t know who I am, and shouldn’t I?

I don’t know the difference between manic Even, normal Even and depressed Even.

Then, there is Sonja’s Even, my mother’s Even, the Even who my friends expect, the multiple different Evens that everyone wants me to be and I don’t know which one is real.

Which one is me.

And that scares me.

But maybe what scares me more is that if I do find the real Even I will have to stop pretending and ruin everything everyone wants from me.

I have to come clean.

I have to stop hiding.

Part of me is terrified, but another part of me is desperate to find real Even so I can finally stop relying on Sonja to tell me who I am, and I can finally….

Be real.

///// 

Remember keep calm, I will come over and hear all about your first day tonight. Love you.

I looked down at the text, my head was still swimming from Norwegian and I needed some air. Fast.

I burst out of the doors to the school and took a deep breath. I leaned against the wall, threw my backpack to the ground and ran my hand threw my hair frantically.

Even get a grip.

But I couldn’t. I couldn’t focus on anything. The world was spinning around me and I was fighting the impulse to bail and go home. But I had one class left and I knew if Sonja found out she would be disappointed. I would be ruining everything she knew was good for me. And she was right this was good for me. But what was my problem? Was I scared? Scared that I will lose control and do something that will mess up all of it completely again until there is no one left standing around me and I am truly in every sense, alone.

Not just mentally and emotionally, but physically. At least I can pretend sometimes that I’m not alone when Sonja is around. But I still feel empty. I still feel isolated from her. Like there is a wall up between us.

She can see me. But she can’t hear me. And I can’t hear her.

It’s not just Sonja. It’s everyone. It’s the whole world. And suddenly I knew why I was freaking out.

Being here didn’t change anything. I was still lost, I was still alone and there was nothing here that wasn’t behind my glass wall.

Nothing real.

I don’t want to do this because Sonja is wrong. This isn’t right. There is nothing here for me. I listened to her reasons why I should be here and I tried it. But now being here, I need a reason for myself.

And I can’t find one.

Sonja will understand. She will come up with another plan for me and all will be okay. Now I just need to leave.

Just as I pushed myself off the wall, the doors to the school opened up and a rush of students poured through. Students who must have finished their classes.

I shrugged and began walking through the courtyard when something made me stop in my tracks.

I forgot my damn backpack.

I quickly walked backwards to where I dumped my bag and looked directly down at it lying abandoned on the ground as I wrapped my hand around the strap.

As I pulled it up off the ground, my eyes also lifted from the gravelled path, to a group of boys, laughing about something I could only imagine.

I don’t know why I stopped to look at them but I did.

I don’t know how long I looked at them for but it was long enough.

Long enough to see him.

I felt it instantly.

The tug at my gut, the lump in my throat. The feeling that something was being cemented into my brain and I couldn’t avoid it.

I became entirely paralysed.

He was different to the others.

He had a crooked smile on his face but he wasn’t laughing. In fact he rolled his eyes and shook his head and I felt my stomach roll away with them.

His golden hair curled around his red Snapback and his smile made my heart freak out completely.

I thought maybe I would stop breathing and I felt so stupid.

There was something about him though that made me see something I thought I would never see again.

It was behind his eyes, a shadow in his lopsided smile, and when he looked up at the sky and let his smile slip when he thought no one was looking, I knew what it was.

I could see me.

I felt something hit me. He was lost just like me, and there was something bright about him that made me remember a little bit of who I am.

Of what I am.

And I never knew I would feel that again. Suddenly this boy whose name I didn’t even know, made me feel less lost. And I knew right then in that moment I had to do one of two things: Forget about him and continue pretending, or somehow find a way to make this boy a part of my life. Suddenly without meaning to,

I had found my reason to stay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys like,   
> Come talk to me on Tumblr: Fairieswithoutwings


	2. The addiction

I tried to push him out of my mind. Pretend that I just imagined it all. Side effects of the meds. That's all.  
I laid down on my bed and thought of everything but him.  
I wasn't thinking of him. Not at all.  
I couldn't even remember the way his eyebrows closed together in a mix of confusion and frustration, how he sucked in his cheeks when one of his friends said something he found both shocking and funny because usually afterwards he would throw his head back in laughter, and sometimes the vibration would cause one of his golden curls to fall on his forehead and it did everything for me not to imagine brushing that curl away with my fingertips... I screamed into my hands in frustration.  
I am such a creep. It's been two weeks and still all I wanted to do was talk to this boy but I knew that I couldn't and I shouldn't for so many reasons. So I continued to live in denial...and torture.  
My hands started fidgeting and my body and mind began to buzz with energy and conflicted feelings. I quickly grabbed a stray notebook lying at the bottom corner of my bed and picked up the pen tucked into the binder. I started drawing my math teacher Mr. Steinen getting married to Donald Trump who was wearing a dress made out of the tears of psychotic murderous clowns. It was hard to convey that aspect into the drawing, so I made a note of it in the corner to clear it up.  
I stared at the drawing, waiting for the usual satisfaction I get from doodling to wash over me. But it didn’t come. Something was still scratching from the inside of my skull and I couldn’t figure out what it was.  
Or maybe I didn’t want to admit it.  
I closed my eyes and tried to focus on my breathing. Mindfulness meditation that I was told to do whenever I felt unhinged from reality somehow or even a little stressed, when I was first diagnosed with bipolar.  
I tried to focus on the colour of the walls, the spider web in the corner of my ceiling, the delicate strings on my guitar. I tried to find my way back into the moment. This moment. This minute.  
But all I could see was him.  
All I could think of was his smile, his laugh, the dimple in his chin.  
Nothing I tried could take me away from him.  
He was engraved inside my mind and I could not get him out.  
And a part of me didn’t want to.  
I didn’t want to accept it but when I let myself think about him, dream about him, imagine what it might be like for him to smile his crooked toothy grin at me,  
Well I have never felt more alive.  
I have never felt less lost.  
Before I could let myself think, I took the notebook and pen back in my hands and began drawing what I truly needed to let out of my mind.  
The dimples, the smile, the golden curls, it all came pouring freely out of my fingers. It was like I couldn’t stop. I had turned the tap on and now it was broken. The more I drew, the more I needed to draw. Because it wasn’t enough. Drawing him was never enough.  
Suddenly my focus was broken by the ringing of my phone. I reluctantly put my pen down and took a deep breath before answering the call. I didn’t have to look at the screen to know who it was.  
I exhaled deeply before singing cheerfully into the phone “Hello Beautiful”  
“Darling, you sound good!” Sonja exclaimed back. I could practically feel the pride in her voice, see the smile and bright buzz in her eyes as she heard me because I was playing the right part. I was being her Even in the movie she has written for me. I am being the person she wants.  
“You’re feeling good right?” she pressed when I didn’t answer. For a minute it flashed in my mind that maybe, I should tell her. Sonja knew me better than anyone, if I talked to her about this new obsession of mine, maybe she could tell me what it was? Maybe she could help me move past it.  
Did I want to move past it?  
Before I could utter a single word to her though, she asked another question.  
“It’s time to take your meds hun, have you done that yet?”  
I sucked in a breath and looked down at the time. Woah it was 7:00pm already. I spent two hours drawing, lost in the curves and edges of someone I didn’t even know the name of, and I had no idea. This boy literally made me lose track of time and honestly there was something inside me that loved it. For two hours. I didn’t think, I didn’t worry. I didn’t care.  
I was free.  
He made me free.  
And Sonja who was still waiting on the other side of the phone was calling me right when I should be taking my meds, to make sure that I was learning my lines.  
I lifted myself off my bed and down the ladder, to get my small bottle of pills from my sock drawer. After I swallowed one I told Sonja cheerfully “Yep done” and waited for the praise.  
“Good work, I love you.” She replied, right on cue. Just like a film I had seen fifty times, I knew every single word, and I knew when it was coming. So when she said it, it was almost like the words didn’t matter anymore. It was like the feeling they used to give had just transformed into something I knew so well, and it was so cliché that it had become meaningless. Just like when I watched Sleepless in Seattle. The first 5 times were good. Brilliant. First time felt special. The second time felt good. And the 3 times after that made me feel safe. But every time after, the story became so imprinted in my mind that it didn’t make me feel anything real anymore. It just felt like I was watching it because it was what I knew. It was what made me feel like someone I used to be. And I wanted that person back.  
“I gotta go, homework.” I told Sonja and ended the call before she could guess that something wasn’t right. Before she could tell that I might be going off script.  
I went back to bed and thought about the boy again. I’ve spent two weeks without learning his name because I thought as soon as I asked. As soon as I learnt more about him, this feeling I felt, the power he had over me, this need I had to know him, well it would all become real. And I would be accepting that I couldn’t go on as if I never saw him. I couldn’t pretend that he wasn’t anything. Because if he had a name then he was real. And if he was real, and not just a figment of my imagination, then I just could not go on without knowing more about him, more about the person he was behind that smile, and the sadness I sometimes see in his eyes. I would have to know more. I couldn’t stop.  
I wouldn’t stop.  
And I knew that to be truer than anything else.  
Because somehow just looking at this boy, thinking of him, drawing him, it made me feel more real and more me, than anything else in the world.  
And just like that my addiction truly began.


	3. The Universe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chap was short and like most of the story, is just Even's mind going !!!! at the introduction of Isak Valtersen in his life. Might be a bit messy and all over the place, but that was kind of the thing I was going for with Even's mindset. Because he seems like someone who would overanalyse and think things at a super fast pace a lot (I can relate lol) But seriously let me know what you think. Feedback is loved, appreciated, and needed. Also I think Even is gonna finally meet the subject of his infatuation soon. Yaaaay.

Isak Valtersen. That was his name. Isak. My heart quickened every time I thought it, heard it, sometimes I would stay up all night saying it. feeling his name inside my mouth, tasting it as it left my lips. It did strange things to me. It consumed me. How can four letters, two syllables, one name, consume me so much? How can it suddenly become the most important thing to me?  
How could someone I don’t even know, become the most important thing to me?  
Logic told me that this wasn’t normal or healthy. To think about, obsess about someone this much without actually talking to them.  
That wasn’t normal, was it?  
Was it normal to feel like this for someone I didn’t know?  
Was it normal to feel like this at all?  
The thing is though, I hardly ever listen to logic. I only listen to the way seeing and thinking about Isak made me feel. Every fibre of my being wanted to break the cycle and go meet him. Talk to him, make him a part of my life. Maybe he could be my friend? Maybe we could talk and hang and just be friends?  
Right? There’s no harm in that?  
Right?  
Wrong Even. So wrong.  
I wouldn’t let myself crawl into that part of my mind and face the truth on why that was wrong because I was not willing to accept it.  
All I knew was I was scared to meet him, because when will it stop? When will the fantasy and the freedom he gave me go away? I wasn’t ready to lose this feeling yet, and I just knew that once I meet him and face reality, he will be behind that wall like everyone else and once again, I will lose the parts of the real me that he helped me remember temporarily.  
Because that’s it. This is all temporary. Give it a month and this obsession is sure to fade away. Just like everything else. When you first discover, a song, a film, a book that makes you feel and think and believe in a way you have never experienced or felt before. It is hard to let go and you become obsessed with the feeling, and you won’t stop watching, listening, reading that piece of art because then you will be letting go to that feeling. But eventually you learn to live without it and you begin to forget that you once needed that feeling to live. Isak was my art. All by himself he was his own form of powerful, captivating and inspiring art that reminded me not just of who I am, but who I wanted to be. Looking at him gave me hope and I couldn’t let that feeling go yet. But eventually I will and I will learn to live without the thought of Isak.  
I will.  
My eyes found Isak again. I was sitting casually at a table in the back, doodling pictures of cats with faces of historical figures as I watched his shoulders shake from laughter at something one of his friends said. I was sitting a few tables behind him, so I only could see the back view of him. But I liked it, it was like looking at him from a different perspective, analysing a different part of him. I wonder what made him laugh, I wonder what he thought about. I wonder what it was that made him look at the corner of the room sometimes, almost begging to be sucked away into a vortex. What made him want to disappear? What made him nervous. I wanted to know it all so bad. I wanted to know him. But I couldn’t. So instead I let myself watch from a far like the creepy psycho I am.  
Oh my god.  
Was I a psycho? Has this gone too far? What even is this?  
I had these freak outs a lot actually. When I’m staying up all night thinking about what it might be like to talk to him, when I’m making a fake Instagram account just to stalk his page for hours, when I’m watching videos of him rapping, laughing, goofing, to the point where I dream about him. What is too far?  
Whatever it was I think this is it.  
I think I’ve hit too far.  
I should talk to someone about it.  
I should tell Sonja about it.  
But I knew why I haven’t  
I was scared.  
Scared that everything I feel isn’t real after all, and it will be taken away from me, before I was ready to let it go. The thing is though, it has been three weeks since I first saw him, and I have never felt more real, more alive. It was twisted because I was torn between what I felt and I what I know. I know feeling like this wasn’t what ‘Real Even’ is supposed to feel. Real Even was supposed to be in love with Sonja, going to all his classes, taking all his meds and thinking about the future he will eventually have with his girlfriend. Not, dreaming, stalking and thinking constantly about a golden haired second year boy who he doesn’t even know.  
But he wanted to.  
My pen dug into the notebook and tore the page in half, from my frustration.  
God I wanted to so bad.  
I jumped up from my seat and walked past Isak’s table to throw my rubbish in the bin. As I walked past, I heard his laugh chime in my ears and shivers rippled through my entire body. I couldn’t breathe I couldn’t think. And right then I knew I no longer had a choice.  
I needed to meet this boy. 

That night I decided I will do nothing. I will wait. I will let the universe bring him to me. If we were meant to meet, we will meet right? And this way I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I was just minding my own business, admiring him from afar. If I didn’t do anything about it then I wasn’t breaking my character. I was still reading my lines. But if something just happened and we coincidentally ended up you know, meeting, talking, just hanging all casually and stuff, like two dudes do, then I wouldn’t be doing anything wrong. In fact, I’ll be just a simple victim of the universe making things that just aren’t in my power happen. Right?  
Right. And if we do never meet then I mean I guess it means my feelings will just naturally disappear and all of this will go away. So I will just wait. Let the universe sort this whole mess out for me. 

*****  
*1 month later*

 

Fuck the universe. If you want something to happen, you have to do it yourself. I don’t want to be anyone else’s Even anymore. I’m going to be the director of my own life for once and find the real Even. And the real Even wants to fucking meet Isak Valtersen already.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come talk to me and send requests for drabbles and fics on my Tumblr: Fairieswithoutwings :)


	4. To Kosegruppa or not to Kosegruppa: That is the question

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay it's up. Sorry I made you guys wait a couple days for this. I always second guess myself and put off writing it because I think I will just ??? mess it up. I made this chapter a little bit longer tho haha. I hope you enjoy and please give me feedback, i love reading all your thoughts :)

I looked up at Isak sitting in the cafeteria with his friends right across from me before looking back down at my notepad. Okay so I made a compromise with myself. I can’t just jump in and expect that just because I have this weird random thing for this cute boy that he will want literally anything to do with me back.

Hell, one look at me and I could be having him running for the hills. I just need to stop and chill.

There is no shame in finding another person interesting and just enjoying admiring them from afar. And if thinking about him and drawing him, keeps me sane and helps me feel something real, then I’ll just keep doing it.

So far it has worked for me. I’m being everything Sonja and my parents want, while also letting myself think about Isak without punishment.

I just like watching him. Every single feeling and thought I see wash over him, it all feels too familiar, too real. Almost like I know him… But I don’t even know him. Not really. And maybe I never will. For once I felt it.

Acceptance.

I’m finally letting go.

I smirked to myself and continued my sketch of a walking potato lady carrying a human baby, the head so big for its body, you could almost see it bouncing off the page if you looked close enough. I knew if I focused on who I am supposed to be and who I know I am, I can find another compromise.

Someone who is between the two. Someone who can continue being everything they are meant to be without hurting or ruining anything else. Someone who can find peace. And I did this all inside my head, without letting Sonja in. Without being told it was right. This was all me. And that made the decision even more thrilling and right.

Right for me, right for us, right for-

“Excuse me?”

I lifted my head abruptly, initially startled by the interruption of my thoughts by a voice so soft and angelic, it left my ears ringing. The blonde haired girl with wide bambi eyes, nervously licked her lips and played with her hair, as my eyes met hers.

“Hi I was wondering if you would like to join our kosegruppa meeting on Friday, it’s uh – um I am Vilde by the way; it’s a…” She giggled nervously as I smiled at her encouragingly to continue.

“It is a place where we can bake and spread a good atmosphere and by joining, you would be contributing to-” her words slowly faded into a distant blur, as I continued to nod and listen to her passionate pitch as diligently as I could, knowing already that there was no way I was going to join another kosegruppa. Not after the shadow of everything that happened last year, hanging over my head, ready to drop and taint the progress I keep trying to make.

Nope not again.

But there was no way I was going to break this girl’s cheerful enthusiasm. So I continued to listen as much as I could to the speech I’m sure she spent a long time reciting. Her love for school activities was so odd and adorable I could not help but find it all amusing.

She had just reached the part of her speech about bringing people together, when by pure instinct I found my eyes drifting from Vilde to where they usually remained; back on the table surrounded by second year boys, and just like that my heart dropped into my stomach before evaporating from existence. It was quick, but it was enough.

Enough to set my heart on fire.

Isak Valtersen was looking at me.

He saw me.

My eyes caught his, gazing at me with a look I was too familiar with.

Fascination.

He ducked his head quickly, and I was grateful, because then he couldn’t see the bright smile that consumed my entire face.

I looked back at Vilde, the feelings that were thrashing inside me, becoming too apparent on my face, made her quickly end her speech and smile vividly back at me.

“So? Could I count you in then?” She was clearly misinterpreting my happiness for eagerness to join her group.

I raised my eyebrows and continued smiling up at her, “I uh...” I tapped my pen on my knee a couple times “I will see if I can make it” I finished, giving her an encouraging smile. This girl seemed like a sweetheart, but something told me I wouldn’t want to get on her bad side. She grinned cheerfully back at me in praise before heading over to her friend.

I watched as they both headed to Isak’s table and I quickly lowered my head and consumed myself in my drawing. I could practically vibrate from the thrill of something finally slipping into place for me, as I overheard tiny snippets of the same speech being retold to Isak and his friends.

I continued doodling aimlessly, as my mind started to run away from me, disappearing into a mist of pure exhilaration.

He noticed me.

He saw me.

What do I do next?

The only thing I could think, feel and breathe was the possibility that Isak saw what I saw, that somehow, for some reason, we were meant to be a part of each other’s lives. We were meant to know each other.

Could he feel it? Was I not alone? Was it all a fantasy? I couldn’t be sure, but I needed to know.

I needed to talk to him and find out if he was just an idea I made up to make my life easier…safer…less alone.

Or If the things I could feel were just the beginning, the beginning of something I wasn’t ready, nor prepared for.

 

///

 

I spent the entire week struggling with my thoughts, with the script my life was meant to follow.

There was so much I could do and so much I shouldn’t.

I should ignore it, leave it. Continue being the Even that I was born to play. Continue making Sonja and my mother and all the people surrounding me…happy. Continue learning my lines until I know them off by heart. Until I was no longer confused. 

The words would be imprinted inside my head, tattooed from the inside of my mind. I will live the rest of my life no longer needing to check if I was saying my lines right. It would be instinct. Nothing unknown, nothing uncertain. It would be safe.

The concept was so comforting, so desperately needed.

Everything around me always felt too fragile, so distant. Like it will all disappear in an instant. Like my world will fall apart like a cardboard set and I will be left with nothing, not a thing except for the thoughts inside my head, the silence surrounding me, the invisible wall between me and every soul left.

But if I played my part, if I held onto the script Sonja wrote me maybe I will always have something stable, something to hold on to and comfort me. Something that I will never have to worry about disappearing.

I know all the lines; I know how it ends. I know how it goes.

Like a movie I’ve watched more than five times.

Maybe I shouldn’t do anything. Maybe I shouldn’t bother trying to change the movie I was already living. Maybe I should just play it out, ignore that feeling in the pit of my stomach that practically writhes in nerves whenever my body sensed Isak near. Ignore the way my heart drops, my mind freezes, my world collapses.

Ignore it all.

I could do it. I can do it, because after all, it might not even be real. I mean what would I do anyway? Go to the kosegruppa meeting?

I screwed my face up in mockery at the idea. Even if I did go, there was no guarantee that he’d be there just because he was invited.

I laughed to myself. Isak didn’t really seem like the revue type.

But what if he was?

I shook my head. No, I wasn’t going to stir shit up. I have a place, I have a script to follow, and I owe it to everyone to finally be the Even they want. The Even they need.

So that was it.

But of course it wasn’t.

Isak Valtersen looked at me, there was no way I could let that go now.

And so on Thursday during English I spent the whole period drawing Isak’s curls.

I drew them on teapots, car tyres, my mum’s decorative vase, I drew them on my aunt Peggy’s Chihuahua. I drew them until ever single strand was wrapped around my heart, sucking the oxygen out of my lungs.

I couldn’t breathe.

When the class finally ended, I could not get out quick enough, I ran out trying to find my breath, trying to get my heart beating again. Trying to think straight.

Pun not intended.

I pretended to be okay as people walked past, I smiled, I shrugged carelessly. I played the part of the relaxed confident guy, even though I was freaking out.

I needed to think. I needed it to all point me in the right direction. I needed to know what to do.

I was blinded by the fast thoughts, by the tightening in my chest, by the sheer fear of being the wrong Even, that I didn’t see where I was going and ran straight into another person.

My notebook fell to the floor, the Isak hair doodles, facing upwards. Before I could do anything, the young Muslim girl I ran into picked up the notebook and looked down, her right eyebrow quirking up in interest. She had big wise and knowing eyes, and I recognised her as the friend of the Kosegruppa leader.

I smiled at her charmingly, not letting my anxious thoughts show.

“May I?” I asked, holding my hand out and raising my eyebrows.

She nodded, squinted her eyes and licked her lips before handing my ambiguous drawings back in my possession.

Before she let go though, she tipped her head up to look into my eyes, “You should come to the kosegruppa this Friday.” She announced confidently.

I smiled amusedly taken back by this random declaration from a girl I didn’t know…and incredibly confused.

“Should I?” I remarked quite loudly, my voice full of incredulous amusement. Who is this girl and how did she seem to know the single battle I have been fighting with inside my head all week:

to Kosegruppa, or not to kosegruppa.

She smiled, letting go of the notebook and pulling her bag strap back up her shoulder.

“Yes you should, I think you’ll find something useful from it.” She informed me before heading in the direction I was coming from, and walking past me, her head raised high and her face shadowed with pride.

I looked back at her in complete awe and curiosity. Somehow without meaning to, I had found something to help me decide who’s script I was going to follow.

Turned out, it wasn’t Sonja’s and it wasn’t mine.

It was Sana bakkoush’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhhh Hi, What did you guys think??? So I legit went off script and added some Sana drama haha. Did you completely hate that or was it okay? I just actual love the thought of Sana secretly match making and lets all be real. Sana K n o w s. Like seriously she knooooows. 
> 
> So next chap should finally be the famous meeting. I'm actual so nervous writing it because I have so much to live up to because this is !!! so iconic. I might do what I do best and put it off out of fear of ruining it, so pleeeeaaasse harass me with comments to get a move on because it seriously helps knowing you guys actually like reading my stuff.  
> Thank you for all the support :)
> 
> Come talk to me on my tumblr: Fairieswithoutwings <3


	5. Being Desperate Is The New Chill

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sigh* so this is such a mess haha um so the chap has actually reached over 4000 words now and I still haven't quite finished so I decided to split it up. So here is the first half of the big kosegruppa scene we all know and love, tomorrow I will finish and upload the second part of it. I'm so sorry for making you wait so long and I wish I could say this was worth it but I seriously don't think so. I hope you still enjoy it somehow tho? I'm sorry if I completely messed this up. Let me know what you think <3

Here I was again, staring up at the school, deciding whether or not to enter the building. Deciding whether or not to take the plunge, make the move, completely throw away the script. Whether or not to find out the truth. The truth about everything I think, I feel...which are real and which are not. If any are.

I just, I need to know.

That’s all.

My head felt dizzy, like I was holding my breath underwater and my mind was drowning in the depth of my confusion, my doubts, and the possibility of something truly real gnawing at the edges of my skull.

The feelings and the thoughts tried to possess every corner of my brain but I fought them away, shook my head and began walking into the building, prepared to take control of my movie. I’m writing my own script.

 

It turned out that going to a kosegruppa meeting at his new school was exactly something Sonja’s Even would do. She was so proud so pleased, when I told her exactly where I was going this afternoon. She showered me with praise and love and hopefulness at the possibility that I was getting it right. I was portraying her Even right. She wished me luck, letting me know just how proud she truly was at the thought of her Even joining another kosegruppa, after everything that happened, and doing something productive, something to keep him busy, something that she could understand…. for once.

I would be lying if I said it didn’t irk me deep inside, make me feel like something blurry was stuck behind my vision causing me to be blinded by the way I was treating Sonja. Causing me to not care, to deny it. Because right now I wasn’t thinking, I was just doing.

And Sonja wasn’t even near my frame of mind right now. No, the only thing on my mind was Kosegruppa.

 

I ran my hand through my hair before walking into the theatre. I recognised the blonde doe eyed leader straight away, discussing something intensely with her two friends; one of them being my voice of reason from yesterday.

“Hello!” I called as I strolled over to them, trying to subtly look behind their heads for my golden haired reason for being here.

“Hi! So nice that you wanted to come!” the passionate kosegruppa leader - whose name I had completely forgotten, exclaimed enthusiastically as soon as she saw me approaching her. I couldn’t help but smile endearingly at her. I had never seen someone so emotionally attached to a kosegruppa before, and back at Elvebakken, most of the students were invested in the arts.

She continued to speak but my mind was racing, short-circuiting with desperation, and I felt myself bounce on the balls of my feet from the adrenaline coursing through my veins at the thought of what I was doing, of what I was looking for. Trying to find. He wouldn’t be here and perhaps once I knew that, I could begin to accept and forget about it all for good I could-

And just like that

My thoughts, my mind, the numbing buzz drowning my ears; it was all silenced, just from two familiar piercing eyes, looking straight into my own.

I stopped bouncing, I stopped moving, stopped questioning, stopped worrying. Just like that I knew coming here was the right thing. The only thing. And now there was no going back, no forgetting. I was going to talk to this boy. I was going to meet him, because there was no way I was going to let him look at me again, to steal my breath and corrupt every single one of my thoughts only to look away. Isak Valtersen cannot just look at me like that and expect me to do nothing about it. Like it or not he was the reason I was here and I wasn’t leaving. I was going to talk to him.

 “….I baked it myself” the sweet melodic voice brought my attention and thoughts back onto the girls and I showered them with my nervous and newly energised smile, as I took one of the bread rolls offered to me. “Cool, looking forward to it” I replied before walking away.

And I actually wasn’t lying. As I walked past Isak, I knew that every cell in my body was looking forward to speaking to him, hearing what he sounded like when he was talking to me, seeing him smile and knowing that it was for me…That thought was a bit of a stretch, but I couldn’t help the excitement and nerves filling every edge of my body.

Catching him staring at me again transformed all of my doubts, all of my nerves into intense determination, to change my script. To bring him into my life, to take control. I can do this.

I sat behind him, trying to think of a way that I could casually form a conversation when I noticed a beautiful dark haired pixie like girl just walking right up to Isak and starting a conversation with him.

Damn. You can do that? Well yes of course you can Even.

I don’t know what has happened to me but it seemed like this boy had shaken my entire mind up and I’ve lost every sense, logic and social skill that I had left.

You talk to new people all the time Even, why is he different.

Look, I didn’t know and the fact that I was even talking to myself AND replying was concerning. Eventually the girl walked away and suddenly I could breathe again. What was I panicking for? I can find a casual way to just begin talking to him, almost like I wasn’t talking to him because I HAD to, but you know just because, like for a reason.

Oh wow I had gotten super lame.

 

The kosegruppa leader, who’s name I discovered again to be Vilde, finally began explaining her vision for the theatre, but most of her speech turned into white noise for me, because how could I possibly concentrate with Isak sitting less than 3 feet in front of me?

I couldn’t help but be amused by the fact that Isak clearly did not want to be here. His shoulders hunched over his phone from the moment the eloquent speech began. I tried not to smile as I noticed his head rolling around frustratingly from side to side. Coming here was a good idea. I’ve only been here for 5 minutes and already I knew something new.

Isak Valtersen was extremely impatient.

I continued to zone out from the entire kosegruppa introductory speech, as I tried to understand what in the world Isak was doing here. My original assumption had clearly been right. Isak was totally not the kosegruppa type. He looked like he was getting his wisdom teeth knocked out by a sledgehammer. My thoughts suddenly returned briefly back to the kosegruppa speech when I heard something about getting into pairs. This was it. My in. Easy. Casual. We need partners. I can casually just ask him to be my partner and we can laugh about how dumb this is. Nothing desperate. Just completely chill and cool.

Brilliant.

Absolutely genius.

I could walk up and kiss Vilde on her pretty little head, for her passion for duos and endearing ‘love games’. My lips quirked up, her oblivious eagerness for harmony and success was extremely loveable. I almost felt bad that I only came here to get Isak’s attention.

Almost.

Finally, she asked us to all stand up. I jumped up and pushed my hands in my pockets as I glanced over at Isak for the thousandth time. I needed to make sure I make my move, but I also had to pick the right moment. Every part of me was screaming to talk to him right then and there, but Vilde was urging us into a circle, and I knew if I chose my moment wrong I would just seem super lame and desperate.

I need to be chill.

So I forced my eyes off of Isak and walked confidently into the depths of Vilde’s love game, expecting him to be right behind me.

It only took me about two minutes into the intro of the game (which began with everyone in the circle revealing three things about themselves.) for me to realise that my reason for being here was completely missing. Just as I came to this revelation the circle of secrets reached me. Everyone’s eyes found me and I smiled fondly before answering

“My name is Even, I am a third year, and I must be excused. Sorry.”

Vilde smiled brightly and nodded “of course!” I quickly noticed her friend-  whom I faintly recall being Eva in the kosegruppa speech, but I couldn’t be sure because I spent most of it looking at Isak; giving Vilde a surprised and amused look at her cheerful response before I walked into the hallway.

Where in the world did he go?

Did he go home?

Did he just disappear?

Okay but I did not just come here to see him and not meet him _a g a i n._

I decided I was going to meet Isak Valtersen tonight, and that’s exactly what is going to fucking happen. Picking the right moment flew right out of the window before my eyes and before I knew it I was finding myself ‘casually’ walking around the halls trying to ‘casually’ bump into Isak. You know real casual.

Discovering that there was literally nowhere for Isak to go but home or the bathroom was the next step to my unravelling plan of meeting the guy I had been obsessing over for two months. I found myself wondering why Isak was here if he didn’t want to be anyway…unless he had no choice…so if he had to come…then he couldn’t leave…Which meant –

 

As I walked into the bathroom stupidity hit me square in the jaw as I realised that I was being extremely illogical, desperate and not to mention borderline creepy. What exactly was I thinking? I could practically hear Sonja in my head screaming those words to me. “What were you thinking Even? Were you thinking at all? You need to remember to pay attention to those thoughts you need to-“ I shook her voice out of my head, because I knew it was right, I was being stupid. It was all crazy. I was crazy. My head fell with my heart as I grabbed the door and took one step into the hallway. I was half out of the bathroom when I heard it.

“WAHHHHH”

My head snapped up and I walked back in, letting the door shut behind me.

“WHOOSH”

My lips quirked up as I heard it again and continued to hear this random loud game being played in one of the cubicles. I knew it could only be one person.

My heart rate sped up as I realised this was it. The moment has come. I walked over to the sink and stared at myself in the mirror for a couple of minutes. I needed to think of what I was going to say, what I was going to do? I mean it is normal to just casually talk to someone in the bathroom right? Nothing weird about that. No. But what do I say?

I’m being ridiculous. You just say ‘hi’ Even, like a normal person. Ask him about Kosegruppa, why he is here. Just normal stuff. Perfect, I pushed my tongue against my cheek as I looked at my reflection in the mirror. I felt distant from myself, like I couldn’t quite reach the person behind the glass, couldn’t remember the character I was supposed to portray anymore. I tilted my head, but maybe I could decide for myself who the boy behind the glass is for once. Create my own script, and I could see it forming inside my head. My lines, my composure. It was effortless perfect. I had control and direction. I was ready.

Suddenly silence enraptured the entire bathroom and my head shot up and stared at my reflection who was staring back at me in horror.

I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready!

I quickly turned on the tap despite my current state of terror. And heard the door of the cubicle open behind me. I stuck my hands under the tap and started washing them like this had always been my plan. Soon the seconds grew thin and he was there, beside me, right next to me. My entire body was ignited with the thrill of having him near, being so close, yet still so far. We were still strangers. I could feel the silence building up into painful flames between us, waiting for one of us to wash them away, to change everything. I felt the entire script I had imprinted inside my head disappear into complete oblivion as the moment and the beautiful golden boy next to me became utterly real and everything I thought I knew was gone. My reflection stared at me and the situation I was not handling as casually and effortlessly as I was hoping. He laughed at the reality of me being unable to function without a script and a character I was meant to portray. I didn’t know which Even to be and I panicked. What do I do? How do I speak? What do I say. I realised that I could not wash my hands forever and soon he will walk away and I will lose this moment. The moment. I will waste it and my opportunity to change everything. I need to do something.

Anything.

I stopped the tap and turned to the paper towel dispenser.

And I took a paper towel…and then 5… and then I just-

Kept. Taking. Paper. Towels.

All rationality and chill and casualness left my entire composure and I became the exact embodiment of desperation.

I was fine with this as long as this random irrational insane ‘plan’ actually got me something other than looking like a Grade A douche.

I could feel his eyes burning holes into me as I continued to empty the entire dispenser. How long was I willing to do this for? Well I was too in deep to give up. Finally, I reached what felt like the end, of this self-inflicted torture. I wiped my hands on the mountain of paper towels I was putting all of my desperate hopes into. Don’t fail me now.

I stuck my hand under the dispenser, because look I’m not the kind of guy that does things half-assed. When I do something, I go all out. I finish it.

 

I wiggled my hand inside the dispenser until I caught hold onto the last paper towel, pulled it out, and ‘casually’ of course, wiped my hands; then for full affect, I wiped my face. As I did this I finally turned my head and met Isak’s confused and palpitating gaze full on.  I didn’t know what true struggle felt like until now, trying not to let the way Isak’s stare affected me, my body, my mind, my heart, appear on my face. The effort was immense and I wondered how I must seem to Isak. Did he see how desperately I needed his attention? His gaze? How much I wanted it? Honestly, again, if it worked I didn’t care. Eventually it dawned on me that I should say something. Break the ice.

I looked back at the empty dispenser in mock realisation. “Do you also need tissues?” I asked innocently, as if I wasn’t aware that, yes of course he needed tissues.

Isak continued to stare at me dumbfounded, as his eyes drifted from me to the bin full of tissues. I had no idea where I thought I was gonna go with this, but it was definitely more than what I was getting. I hesitantly looked down at the paper towels flooding the bin, and then back at Isak before pulling out a semi dry one and handing it to him. He scrunched it in his fist and then slowly lifted his gaze back onto me, and oh god damn.

I couldn’t hold my emotions in any longer, I felt my lips quirk into a smug smile and my eyebrows dance in pride and excitement because that look, those eyes staring into me, consuming me, his face forming into a silent question mark before me…that was mine. That was all for me, and I knew that this and everything that happens next is and always will be...worth it.

 

I took the joint, I kept behind my ear and threw the words “come outside” into the air as I walked away, letting all chill I was still grasping onto, dissipate with them. For two months I had been waiting for something to come to me and I got nothing, and just like that, as soon as I took everything in my own hands, I got sunlight itself, poured into my veins. So why not keep trying? What could I lose? Nothing. What could I gain? Everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chap will be up real soon (like tomorrow) I promise. I'm up to the part where Emma cock blocks, so nearly done with this part then I can write something we haven't seen and that will put a little less pressure on myself in perfecting haha
> 
> Please leave me a comment with your thoughts. It helps so much. Thank you for all the support you have showered me with so far it is so beautiful and it truly motivates me in getting this done despite my stupid freak outs. Love you all.


	6. The Beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I lied...But it's up now yay! I hope this is okay let me know what you think <3

The cold air wrapped heavily around me, containing every single nerve inside my body that was freaking out at one lonely thought. What if he never comes?

As I pulled my lighter out it occurred to me that he probably wasn’t going to join me…and if he didn’t? Well then I would know. I would have no choice but to let this idea I have about him, go for good. Because if he didn’t feel this intense need to know me, like I did for him, then there was nothing I could do and maybe that would be all I needed to know for sure that everything I was feeling, was just…just a thought and nothing more.

Maybe.

And just as I lit the joint on fire, there he was, right in front of me. He smiled and exactly like the joint, my heart was lit in flames. I handed it to him. The joint. I handed him the joint. That was it.

But my eyes couldn’t leave him as he sat down right next to me on the bench. I thought for a minute if I would still be able to breathe, to maintain even a little bit of composure. I tried to remind myself that I know how to pretend to be okay, to be the person people want, to be a different kind of Even but…I didn’t know how to do that with him. For some reason, I couldn’t pretend with him and that made me both uneasy and incredibly elated…because somehow I knew however I was right now, whatever I did and said around him, it was a part of the real Even that I had lost and that was both strange and incredible. So, How. Could. I. Breathe?

I studied his face which until up to this point, I had only seen from a distance…never this close, never this real. My entire body was on edge, I felt every single corner of my mind and heart throbbing with the reality of the situation, with the feeling of this whole other person being beside me, being so close, I could count the freckles on his cheek, I could finally see every single curve and edge of his face in pigmented detail and I felt my hand twitch at the thought of touching them, drawing them. How could this be real? But it was. He was so beautiful, seeing him took any other thought I could possibly have away until all that remained was that. He was beautiful.

The silence began to weigh heavily between us, and I looked away from him for a second so I could think of something other than him, something that could break the silence but not scare him away. Something that a normal person would say to a boy he just met. Suddenly it dawned on me; just like it has been all week the answer remained the same: Kosegruppa.

“You know the group leader?” I asked as I turned back to him, rocking back and forth in exhilarating nerves, at finally starting a real conversation with a boy I had only been thinking about for nearly two months. Honestly I would be lying if I said that I didn’t have motives behind this question. I don’t know why the hell Isak was here and the only conclusion I could think of was…maybe…perhaps he was doing it for a fair haired neurotic kosegruppa leader? The thought tightened my chest and made me feel like a hypocrite.

His face twisted into a look of distaste before lightly replying “Vilde?” with an amused smile on his face. I felt the air leave my lungs and my chest loosen in relief.

Isak laughed “With the love game?”

“What was that?” I remarked in amused agreement. He laughed and the sound wrapped itself around my heart so tightly, I began to feel dizzy. I shook my head slightly and blinked, reminding myself to keep it together.

“I had to bail. I couldn’t be bothered with that stuff.” Isak scoffed.

Oh really? It wasn’t like I noticed or anything…

“what happened?” he asked continuously avoiding my eyes. Oh shit. I couldn’t answer this honestly, due to the fact that I had no flipping clue because I left before the game even started, to chase after him because I was clearly a desperate creep. I had to make something up. Maybe if I said the most ridiculous thing in my mind I could hear that laugh again, so I just…

“She got us to go and feel each other in a dark room. If you walked into a dick, you had to suck it.”  My words were rewarded with something better than I could ever imagine, Isak finally looked at me. In horror of course but it was enough to make my world burn brighter and any shame I had for making such an awful unsubtle joke fly away.

“No?” Isak asked and his naïve uncertainty caused electricity zapping through my body until I was smiling uncontrollably.

“No!” I exclaimed letting my body shake with laughter as I gently brushed my shoulder against his. Ah damn. I couldn’t stop looking at his face as he laughed, at something I SAID. I caused the goofy curve of his lips and his shaky cough. That was me.

As we fell back into silence, I glanced at him again, and he had returned to not looking back. What was he thinking? What was he feeling? Did he get the same strange buzz of vibrations clenching his heart as I did? Did his mind coat over with a film of blurry confusion that prevented him from seeing anything but us, here, our bodies, so close we were nearly touching, our lips pressing against the same joint, our hearts beating at the same pace. Did he feel any of it? or was it just me?

I pressed my tongue against my cheek nervously before doing it. Before giving in to every fibre of my being that wanted to be closer, that needed to touch him. I leant over slowly, watching his entire face for a reaction as I placed my hand over his, carefully taking the joint from him. I wasn’t doing it for the joint, but he didn’t need to know that.

Nothing.

He continued to look anywhere and everywhere but me as he sniffed his nose and turned his head even further away. I pressed the joint against my lips and took another drag, trying to ignore the ache inside me at the unbearable silence between us. Maybe it was all me. All inside my head. Just like everything else. Inside my head. Alone. Impractical. Insane.

Just as I turned my head to take him in again, he broke the silence.

“What Class are you in? he asked casually, still not meeting my eyes.

“3stb” I answered. He nodded, not a single glance in my direction.

“You didn’t go here before?” finally he turned his head a fraction towards me as I shook my head and told him the truth for once “No bakka”

In what seemed like a lifetime, his head turned towards me, his eyes still cast down as he took the joint from my fingers.

“You transferred in your final year?” before I could even have a millisecond to think about how I was going to answer that without telling this boy, who already couldn’t look at me in the eye without cringing (I mean I can only imagine), every single ugly detail; a shrill voice broke the barrier I had built between us and the world.

“Hey you”

My heart dropped three feet deep into my stomach, as Isak’s attention disappeared from me and landed on the young girl who enamoured the beauty of a classic Hollywood film star. The same girl talking to Isak earlier. The one who clearly had an easier time working up the courage to talk to Isak than I had. But now that I had succeeded in getting this far, she coincidently happened to interrupt the first and only conversation I had with him after two months of pining from afar.

I begrudgingly felt the cold bitter envy seep into my lungs, spreading inside me like a disease. I didn’t like the affect she had on me. I didn’t understand how a cheerful first year girl could irritate me so much, but she did. The scary part was that I had never been the jealous type. Not once and Sonja is smart, beautiful and funny, she had guys falling at her feet. And it never bothered me.

“Hi” Isak replied handing the joint back to me, his eyes, which had been glued to the ground for most of our conversation, set entirely on Emma.

But this did. This bothered me a lot.

“We’re setting up the cooking system. We should be in pairs. I don’t know many people...”

The bitterness and envy stopped spreading and instead transformed into a cold sharp rock sitting motionless and heavy inside the pit of my stomach. Her words bounced off of me, I felt the uncomfortable strands of irritation tighten around my neck forcing me to be unable to think of anything, other than the many ways I could somehow send her and her short pixie annoying self away. I found myself glancing at Isak who was still staring at her, giving her more attention than I could even imagine. I can’t believe this. This was not what I had in mind. Obviously my big ‘oh hey lets just casually be partners’ plan wasn’t so brilliant and original after all. This kid had the same idea. And dammit she had gotten a lot further with it than me. What was I thinking? Why hadn’t I asked him earlier? I felt myself mentally face-palm. I was an idiot. A complete dumbass. Worst everything, I felt, the intensity pooling inside me, it was caused by him. I felt for him things I shouldn’t be feeling. And I should feel guilty but in this moment all I felt and thought was one thing: I really didn’t want this girl to be partners with Isak.

“So that’s why I was wondering if you want to be in a group with me?” her words rested gently in the air for a moment, letting Isak’s silence bounce around us for a split second before I said fuck it and intercepted pixie girls invitation. I honestly couldn’t care anymore. I had spent 5 minutes with Isak, 5 minutes that made me feel more scared, nervous, and exhilarated than I have ever felt in my whole life. For five minutes I was no one’s Even. I was just me. There was no way I was gonna let this girl take an opportunity for me to have more time with the one person that makes me feel less lost, right before my eyes. Nope not gonna happen. I had to do something, I just had to try.

I bump my shoulder gently against Isaks, trying intensely to ignore the electricity shattering across my chest, caused by the brief contact.  

“I thought we were in a group together.” I made up, giving him a chance to choose between pixie girl and me. I raised my eyebrows at him indicating silently where I was going with this, every fibre of my being hoping that his hesitation wasn’t in my head. That somehow he would rather spend time with me instead of the young gorgeous girl in front of us who was making it evident that she was interested in him. My mother always told me I had a powerful imagination.

She wasn’t wrong.

Isak looked at me slightly, his eyes still cast downwards, unable to meet mine once again.

“Yeah, I had in a way already agreed to be in a group with…” I felt every syllable tug on my heart, taking me with them.  Isak coughed and suddenly it dawned on me that I never introduced myself like a normal person because, well I was anything but normal, especially when my mind, heart and body was in the presence of a golden haired second year boy who couldn’t even look at me.

“with...” Isak stalled again before I offered my hand to the girl. “Even” I finished for him finally.

“Emma” she replied shaking my hand. I mean maybe I should be less tentative of her, the guy she’s into is choosing a guy he can’t even look at (ouch) over her. That would be really hard to accept.

“I’m sure we can be three” okay scratch that, this girl was more desperate than me and I didn’t like it.

Her question transported us into an uncomfortable silence. I watched as Isak slumped into an awkward and anxious demeanour, unable to find the right words to answer Emma’s question with something other than what she wanted to hear. I glanced at Isak before speaking for him.

“I think she said we should be in pairs... But I don’t care” I added bumping my shoulder against Isak’s again as I threw the question back to him.

“It seemed like Vilde was really clear on wanting pairs…” he mumbled before looking back up at Emma. “Can’t you just ask?” he relented.

“yeah okay. Then we’ll do that.”

Oh my god wow. She just did not…she couldn’t…

Were we not subtle enough?

I could feel Isak tense beside me as she sat down on the other side of him.

“Yes, we’ll do that. I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

It was so not fine. My one opportunity to finally talk to the boy I can’t get out of my head and it was not only hijacked, but now I could feel every part of Isak shutting down, to the point of no return. I had already noticed that he also hid himself from everyone else. There was a glass wall between him and the outside as well, and not only could I see it, but for some reason, I felt like maybe, just maybe I could see through it too…and maybe in return he could see mine…

But immediately the air grew hostile and the world around us became unbearably real. It wasn’t just us, and now I couldn’t work out whether he felt it too. Whether he felt the irresistible pull, the all-consuming need to know each other. I still had questions and no answers, but now it was worse than before, because I finally knew for sure…

 What I was feeling was real. It had to be real. Because nothing has ever felt so intense, so pigmented than this. And how will I know now? How will I ever know if it is just me or not, if the only interaction we have without me seeming like an even bigger creep; is with someone who makes him hide deeper inside himself.

The thoughts raced through my mind at a speed so fast that I couldn’t truly process them, not now, not this second. Everything seemed to just simmer down around me to the point where I didn’t care about anything but the severe injustice I felt at being emotionally cock-blocked and unable to do anything about it. I bounced my knee, as I tried to contain everything I felt and thought, inside my chaotic mind.

I offered Isak the joint, trying to bring him back to the moment we were at before Emma interrupted us, to find a way to know. For real.

He looked at me, actually looked at me with a face of uncertainty before reaching for the joint and then declining it within the same second.

I put the joint in my mouth to give myself something to do before I let my feelings overpower me.

“Can I have a drag?” Emma asks and I look at her in amusement before handing it over, and then facing the front again.  Irritation clouded me completely. I couldn’t help the feeling rising into my lungs, making me feel like I was drowning from the flood of frustration and honestly? Slight anger that everything I had been working up to for two months was interrupted by a-

well by a really cute eager girl… who Isak turned down, whom Isak was clearly not interested in, which I mean, that wasn’t necessarily terrible right?

No it was actually kinda fucking brilliant.

 

///

 

It hadn’t even hit ten minutes since I’d been home when Sonja called me to see how the kosegruppa went. I ignored her call and messaged her that I was tired and going to bed. I knew that this wasn’t written in her script for me, and I was going to need to make it up tomorrow but right now I didn’t care. I should care. I know I should. It was Sonja...

But I didn’t.

My mind was consumed by him. More so than ever before. His voice, his laugh, the way his eyebrows knitted together in confusion. His entire being was clouded by a film of uncertain fear of something…and I wanted to know what. I needed to know more. Why was he also hiding? Who was he really, deeply, truly. What did he think about?

I have never been so drawn to someone, so desperate to see inside their mind, their thoughts their feelings everything that made them smile, cringe, cry. I wanted it all and I couldn’t imagine never getting a chance to. Because what if I didn’t?

But then in flashes I pictured, his laugh, his captivated stare, his smile and I knew that this wasn’t the end.

It was the beginning.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I know i've said this before but i'm gonna try to get the next chap done as soon as I can for you guys because your beautiful and I honestly don't know what is gonna happen in the next chap so I need to write it so I can find out too. haha <3  
> Leave me your thoughts on this and please, if you have something that you would really like to see in here, Like a scene with his fam, or maybe an interaction with another character or just like something different that we never got to see last season, then feel free to send me requests and suggestions and I'll see what I can do. 
> 
> Thank you so much for the support. :)


	7. I want to be someone else

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yes I named the chapter after the song Even sexily walks in slow mo to. I am trash.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys I've been taking my time with this because I kinda started thinking that this is probably super boring and I was just like "maybe you should stooooop" But like I do have lots of stuff I am keen to write that will happen ages awaaaay. So I decided I will keep going. But i'm sorry if this is just boring and repetitive at the moment. Please let me know if you have any ideas on how I can make it better <3

I was right. The next morning Sonja bombarded me with calls and texts until I finally told her to just come over. I tried to fall back into the routine. Into the role I was meant to play. But I found myself more lost and distant in the person I was trying to be, than usual. I listened to her stories, laughed at her jokes and responded to every single question as enthusiastically as I could. But there was that feeling again. The feeling deep inside me that kept needing to crawl out, to feel something other than the emptiness seeping deep within me, making me feel trapped and alone.

The only time I felt free was in those short moments with Isak. It felt like my entire world was on fire and my mind was consumed in nothing but him, and I loved it. Because in those moments I was too busy thinking about him to think about everything else, anything else. He made everything quiet.

And Sonja? Beautiful kind Sonja. She was there and she was near but the distance between us kept growing to the point where I could barely see her anymore. And to her? I was just the shadow of the person she wanted, needed.

But when she kissed me, her lips, the warmth of her body it was too familiar, too safe to give up for a feeling, for a fantasy of someone else.

I let her try to make me forget about him. I let her body curve into mine, her kisses cover my skin until there wasn’t a single piece of me that hadn’t been touched, loved, memorised my Sonja. I felt her heart, I felt her and in return I tried. I replayed the role I knew so well but had forgotten what it meant. Forgotten the significance. The need. Because being with Sonja, loving Sonja…it was too easy, so easy that it almost stopped mattering.

But it did matter.

As I looked down at her peaceful sleeping silhouette, head pressed against my pillow, her lips turning up into a smile, her skin soft and warm against mine, I knew that I needed Sonja.

I needed her.

 Because what was I without her? She knew how to keep me safe, how to make sure I don’t do anything stupid…reckless. Anything like what I did last night…

She was the only person I could truly rely on. Who knew when my thoughts weren’t right. When I wasn’t being the right Even.

Last year when I – When I lost everything. Sonja stayed.

She always stayed.

I gently brushed my fingers through her hair as I gazed down at her beautiful angelic features.

I loved Sonja. I always loved Sonja.

I turned around to stretch my limbs and knocked my notebook off my bed and onto the ground instead. I leant over the railing to see it flipped onto the page of a bagel wearing a snapback….

I exhaled a deep tired breath that was suffocating my lungs for a while now before looking down at Sonja again.

I did love Sonja…But…

I rolled onto my back and gazed at the ceiling.

I was safe and loved and being with Sonja was the only way that I could have something normal, constant in my life. She was all I had, All I knew. My heart ached with the familiar emptiness deep inside my heart that I felt when I was around her. That I felt when I was around anyone but…him. I sighed.

I did love Sonja but…

Was it enough?

 

**_//////////////_ **

 

Friday proved to not have changed a single thing. I went back to gazing from afar. Dreaming about something that was just that, a dream.

Throwing myself into school, Sonja, my drawings, anything that would make me try to pretend that it didn’t matter. That I could go on without feeling that again. Without hearing him laugh, being so close I could feel his body heat, count the freckles on his cheeks. Close enough to wrap my fingers around his-

Okay yep back to normal we were.

It is insufferable. Painful. Knowing what you were missing. Knowing how it felt to be close to him, to talk to him, to feel like, like you meant something.

I mean I didn’t. How could I? he didn’t know me.

But he could have.

I tried to avoid him. I took the routes to class I knew he wouldn’t go near. Told myself to not look up when I passed his locker in the hallway. Distance. Avoidance. Pretend it’s not there and I can go back to being the person Sonja needs. The person I am meant to me. The person I am.

But is that who I am?

And then another voice echoed in my mind, haunting me, sending shivers down my spine.

‘Did it **_matter_**?’

 

And so by Wednesday morning, my feelings, my confusion, the voices battling themselves inside my head were so deeply buried inside me that it was beginning to feel normal. It felt the way I should feel. How I was born to feel. Because I’ve never felt differently. I’ve never felt sane. Free. I’ve never felt like my feelings were okay to feel. So why should this be different?

‘because that is a lie’

I shook the thought out of my head. I needed to stop. I needed to breathe. I needed to just keep being the person I am supposed to be.

And I did.

And It was easy.

Until it wasn’t.

There he was. Standing in the courtyard, with his friends, talking to the Kosegruppa leader – Vilde. Probably trying to get out of it. I laughed to myself but it was empty, bitter. Because it meant he was trying to get out of something that meant time with me.

Or worse…maybe he was making sure it was okay that Emma joined us, because, maybe in my delusional fantasy Friday night, I had read it entirely wrong? Perhaps he was into her. Perhaps…

Ugh dear god this was pathetic. Crazy! I ran my hands through my hair and wiped my mind clean.

Forget it. forget all of it.

Inside my head? Let it be. Let me see.

I straightened my jacket and rolled my shoulders before throwing my avoidance plan out the window, and stepped right into Isak’s line of sight.

I walked boldly across the courtyard. Ignoring everything I kept thinking I was meant to be, and just being and doing everything I needed.

And I needed to Look at Isak.

I turned my head instinctively to where I knew he was, and found myself falling deep into his eyes.

The world transformed into a distant blur around me. I felt his stare pierce into my soul. I felt the entire universe disintegrate before my eyes. I could feel the intensity burn like fire inside my bones. It felt like the entire world had slowed down and we were stuck in this moment. This moment of seeing, knowing, longing. Him and me.

And I felt, I felt, I felt.

This feeling consumed me to the point where I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think about anything else.

This feeling killed me, and resurrected me. It was the only thing that felt like my own feelings. My own thoughts. Not something I was trying to feel.

And it was endless. Extraordinary. Powerful.

I finally forced myself to break our stare and walk over to where a couple of guys from my Norwegian class were sitting.

But I still felt him.

How could I not? His eyes were setting every single inch of me on fire. I put on my dark shades and tried to join into the conversation, pretending that my heart wasn’t about to fall out of my chest. He was seeing me. Truly seeing me.

What did this mean?

What could it mean?

I watched him from the corner of my eye, his eyes never leaving my side and I sensed the fire spreading across my skin. His stare consumed me entirely. He had gotten himself deep under my skin and I couldn’t get rid of him. I couldn’t find a way to shake him.

I forced myself to not look, to ignore the way his gaze electrocuted me, turned me into a pulsating life force of nerves and exhilarated joy.

Looking away lasted 2 minutes before I looked back and forgot how to breathe.

Emma was talking to him with a group of girls. Irritation flooded through my veins again but I ignored it. I knew I had no right to feel this way, but I also knew that I wasn’t alone.

Isak could feel it too.

It was there between us, like an invisible rope, tugging us towards each other. Unable to ignore.

Even though everything in my script told me I should.

 

**_//////////////_ **

 

 

“So I talked to Elise and Eskill and they are both keen on pre-drinking at yours Friday, is that okay?” Sonja asked me on the phone later that night as I drew a donut exploding into a million pieces because the love of its life was being eaten by Kanye.

“aha yeah that sounds great.” I said, shading in the pieces as precisely as I could.

“Even…you know you can talk to me if anything is bothering you right? You know you always talk to me.” Her words slammed into me hard and I dropped my pencil as I lifted my head. I hated how I have been treating Sonja. Everything she did was to protect me and to make sure I didn’t get hurt or completely self-destruct. She knew me better than I knew myself. Entirely.

“Sonja…” I said cautiously, considering on finding the right way to tell her what I was feeling. ‘This boy who I only just met last Friday is planted inside my head, making me feel things and think things I could never understand and I can’t get him out and I can’t stop looking at him and I am delusional enough to think that maybe we are meant to know each other. That’s normal right?’

Nope, nope. I couldn’t tell Sonja this. Especially when it was nothing but an infatuation. Nothing but an idea. A crush. Someone you see across the hallway and your heart stops and your world turns and every single feeling you’ve had before this could never compare to the way he’s eyes crush your soul.

A crush.

Yep.

But that wasn’t what I needed. What I had. And maybe I just need to…stop. Or at least ignore it until it went away.

!!!! that never worked.

I ignored the voice inside my head and told Sonja “I’m sorry, school has just been more intense than I thought. I’ll do better.” And I meant it. I would try to do better.

But I had to be real. I couldn’t pretend I didn’t feel what I felt, and that Isak wasn’t consuming my every waking thought…because he was. He is.

But I will try to be better for Sonja. For me.

Because anything I felt for Isak, this intense infatuation, it couldn’t be worth losing everything I had with Sonja. Everything she did for me. The film we had spent years creating.

I was overreacting, panicking. This was nothing it was nothing.

It was just feelings.

I could still be the Even I was born to play.

But when I see him standing by his locker, his curls wrapping around the edge of his snapback, his head creasing in frustration as he tries to open the locker door, I know that I could never escape it, nor did I want to.

Somehow I let myself think that needing to know him, to see him, the intense desire I had for more, it was normal. And it didn’t mean anything more than just wanting to know someone. Like it was normal.

Completely.

But it gave me a headache.

 

By Friday the feelings, the confusion, the need to be enough for Sonja, for everyone; became too much and I felt myself drowning from the pressure of a thousand expectations. I could feel myself falling, exhaustion settling in. And all I needed was to get out and breathe. I needed to go home and practice my lines. Practice being the Even Sonja and her friends expected me to be. I needed to prepare.

So I left school early, skipping my history class, to take the tram home.

I stared out the window as the world moved around me, flying past as I kept moving. Kept going. Letting myself being carried away. Just like I always did. I let my life play out the way it is meant to be. Doing nothing while it controls me, taking me faster and deeper into the depths of reality. Never ever stopping.

And suddenly just like that – the tram came to a halt.

Surprised to be knocked out of my reverie, I looked up and felt the air flood into my lungs as my world centred, as everything stopped moving and it all became clear.

Just like that every single thought I had before this moment evaporated from existence and all that mattered, all that I saw, was the golden haired boy walking through the doors, who made my heart, my mind and my world completely and finally -

Stop. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol at that ending. Please leave a comment below if you liked this, it really does help me get motivated and confident enough to keep writing. Thank you for your support <3 
> 
> (also I couldn't remember the name of Even's guy friend and my subtitled version kinda skipped his name so if it's wrong soz but he irrelevant anyways right?) Oh my gosh I bet Even's irrelevant friend fan squad is gonna come at me now. I'm sorry haha


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